Can you type without looking at your hands?
If not, this newsletter won’t be very helpful.
Do you remember learning how to touch type?
It was REALLY hard.
First, someone had to teach you where to put your fingers.
Then, you had to think about every single key very carefully (“’J’ is my right index finger”).
Over time—little by little—you had to think less. More became automatic.
Then you practiced doing it faster and faster.
Now you can type without consciously thinking about it.
De-Escalation
Learning conflict de-escalation is like learning to type.
First, someone has to show you where to put your hands, what tone of voice to use, etc.
Then, you have to think about each element very carefully (“Turn my body 15 degrees.”)
Over time—little by little—you have to think less. Using the tools becomes automatic.
Then you get smoother and smoother.
Eventually, you can de–escalate conflict without consciously thinking about it.
What Doesn’t Help
When you were learning to type, two approaches would have prevented you from learning:
1. Expecting to be good immediately.
No one learns how to type in 10 minutes. No one.
It takes weeks to get the basics down and months to be good at it.
We accept that with typing. We know it’s a skill that must be learned.
For some reason, though, people expect to be good at de-escalation after taking one class and without practicing.
When it’s not easy, they give up and tell themselves it can’t be done.
2. Blaming the keyboard.
With typing, it would be ridiculous to blame the keyboard. (“The order of these letters doesn’t make sense. There’s no way I can do this.”)
Keyboards are all about the same and hundreds of millions of people type every day. It is a dumb excuse.
In de-escalation, we “blame the keyboard” all the time. (“It is impossible to de-escalate people who are (homeless/mentally ill/intoxicated/angry).”)
And yet, people around the world effectively de-escalate conflict with all sorts of people every day.
Giving up ensures failure
With typing, giving up because you are not immediately good or because the keyboard isn’t perfect is a convenient excuse that leaves you stuck ‘hunting and pecking’ the rest of your life.
With de-escalation, giving up because you are not immediately good or because some people are harder than others is a convenient excuse that leaves you stuck in conflict for the rest of your life.
De-escalation is a skill that can be learned.
It is hard at first.
But it gets easier with time and practice.
So, give up your excuses and start practicing!
Peace,
Ryan
