A few weeks ago, my wife and I went for a walk while on vacation.
We had one of those special conversations where you learn something new from someone you’ve known for a quarter century.
My wife told me that the first time I got angry with her, she thought I would hit her.
We had only been dating for a few weeks.
Neither of us can remember why I was angry.
She said that she recoiled, bracing for a punch or shove…
… that never came.
I’m not particularly scary when I’m angry.
That is not why she thought I would hit her.
She thought I would hit her because her boyfriend before me had hit her.
Multiple times.
What’s my point?
People who have been on the receiving end of violence know instinctively that violence is possible in a way that the rest of us don’t.
I never considered that she thought I would hit her because I KNEW I would never hit her.
My wife thought I would hit her and she braced herself.
Someone else might have swung first to preemptively prevent the impending violence. (It is called “FIGHT or flight” after all!)
If you work with a population that has likely experienced violence (homeless folks, troubled teenagers, veterans, individuals with substance use disorder, domestic violence survivors, etc.) this is worth remembering.
YOU know you won’t be violent. The other person doesn’t.
It is up to you to make it VERY clear that you do not mean the person harm.
In particular:
- Monitor your nonverbal communication for hints of hostility (clenched fists, raised voice, etc.).
- Demonstrate respect early and often.
De-escalation requires empathy.
Have a great week!
Peace,
Ryan
