Last week’s email introduced the concept of personality disorders.
You can read it here: https://www.homelesstraining.com/people-dont-call-them-mentally-ill-they-call-them-jerks/
This week I want to share a quick tool for managing the drama created by someone suffering from a personality disorder.
It comes directly from Dr. Gregory Lester, who is this month’s webinar.
If you want to watch my interview with Dr. Lester (or ask him a question live), the registration info is at the bottom of this email.
WARNING: This is a more advanced tool. It takes a little effort to understand it. (You may have to read this newsletter twice). It is worth the effort, though. I have found this to work on people with all sorts of people.
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Situation: Drama created by a personality disorder.
Tool: Define the problem.
Background: One of the key traits of personality disorders, is poor problem-solving skills.
In particular, many people struggle to define their problem with someone in “behavioral” terms.
They get stuck on “conceptual” terms.
You have to help them “convert” the concept into behavior.
This is easiest to understand with an example (taken from a homeless shelter context). It is a little long (but that is kinda the point!):
- Peter: You need to fire Sally. She is a horrible employee. She was rude to me!
- You: What did she do?
- Peter: I just told you! She was rude to me! You need to fire her!
- You: How was she rude to you?
- Peter: The way she talks to me! Completely rude! You need to fire her!
- You: Ok, you’re saying Sally talked rude to you. Tell me exactly what happened.
- Peter: She told me to turn my music down!
- You: Ok. So are you saying it was rude to ask you to turn your music down? We do have a rule against loud music. That is why we ask people to wear headphones.
- Peter: No. I know I’m not supposed to play loud music. It was the way she asked me to turn my music down. Completely rude!
- You: Ok, now we are getting somewhere. In what way was she rude when she asked you to turn your music down?
- Peter: She did it in a way that humiliated me. I was completely humiliated!
- You: What made you feel humiliated? Was it Sally’s tone of voice? Her facial expression? The words she used?
- Peter: No. She did it in front of my friends. I felt like I was five, getting scolded by my mom. She’s not my mom. I’m a grown-ass man!
- You: Ok, so, you would have preferred that Sally pull you aside and privately ask you to turn your music down?
- Peter: Yeah, that’s how you treat an adult!
- You: How about this: How about going forward, you keep your music down and I’ll ask Sally to pull you aside if she needs you to do something differently? Would that work?
- Peter: Yeah, that works.
In this story, Peter was defining the problem purely in conceptual terms:
Sally was “RUDE.” Sally made him feel “HUMILIATED.”
The trick to this situation was helping Peter explain the problem in behavioral terms:
What exactly did Sally do that was “RUDE” and “HUMILIATING?”
The real issue was that Sally asked him to turn down his music IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS.
It can be a lot of work to help someone to identify the problem in behavioral terms. The key is to keep asking over and over.
If you want to learn more about personality disorders, the information is below.
Have a fantastic week!
Peace,
Ryan
